Becoming the kind of woman who picks up the nail gun and tries.
I’ve always considered myself pretty capable.
I can cook, bake, can, butcher chickens, run a restaurant, ride a horse, rope (sort of), drive a stick shift, haul a trailer, work cattle, vaccinate, garden, milk, and probably a handful of other things I’m not thinking of at the moment.
But as I’ve stepped into my latest life transition, I’ve realized something quite humbling:
There are many, many things I don’t know how to do.
Not because I’m helpless or weak… But because for many years, I simply delegated.
It worked well for a long time. We all divide and conquer in relationships, families, businesses, and households. That’s normal.
But I’ve since realized I have a considerable gap in my skill set. And for a while, I mistook that gap for a wall.
Actually, if I’m being painfully honest, it greatly muddied my decision-making through this difficult process. Because somewhere along the way, I had quietly started to believe I was incapable of certain things. I looked at the practical pieces of life — the money things, the house things, the fixing things — and I felt frozen.
But you know what I’ve discovered? Very few things are as mysterious or impossible as they seem from the outside.
And while I may not know much (err… anything) about mechanics or carpentry, I’m starting to realize those things can be learned the same way I’ve tackled sourdough or even roping over the years:
Learn the basics. Try it. Mess up and embarrass yourself. Then try again.
So now at the ripe ol’ age of 41, I have started a new note in my phone called my “Figureoutable List.”
It’s not full of fancy goals like “write another book” or “build a million-dollar business.”
It’s a list of simple, silly things I’ve recently tackled and completed. And every time I add something to it, I feel ridiculously proud.
Dopamine for DAYS, y’all.
So far, the list includes:
- Building my credit. (Funny story: I’ve built several very successful businesses and have no debt. But when I went to apply for a home loan, I was told I had a nonexistent credit score, and on paper, it looked like I had zero earning history. Lesson learned.)
- Opening my own bank accounts.
- Buying a house and getting a mortgage by myself.
- Shopping for and securing homeowners insurance.
- Finding better insurance for the Soda Fountain (and saving over a thousand bucks!)
- Buying a stock trailer all by myself.
- Installing a new shower head.
- Adjusting the temperature on my hot water heater.
- Getting my Starlink running.
- Pulling porcupine quills out of my stupid dog (without going to the vet).
- Finding someone to fix my well after the water quit at 10 pm the other night. (Water issues stress me out sooo much. Thankfully, it was a minor issue, but I watched the well guy fix it and asked a million questions so I’d be better educated for next time.)
- Installing wall sconces with wall anchors, which required me to literally Google, “What are the plastic things you hammer into sheetrock?” so I could figure out what they were called. I have no shame.
- Learning how to use a stinkin’ drill. I mean, I technically knew how. But not very well.
Next up on my list for the summer and beyond?
- Setting up my chicken run.
- Setting up electric fencing for my horses until I figure out where I want the permanent fencing to be.
- Getting more familiar with power tools (skill saws, miter saws, nail guns, etc)
- Learning how to do baseboard trim, molding, and paneling (I have soooo many ideas for my house!)
- Learning how to install wallpaper.
- Learning how to change out a light fixture.
- Finding and buying a truck on my own.
- Refinishing my shower with tile paint.
Don’t worry— I do have a support system. And I have friends and good people around me who are willing to help.
And I will absolutely hire out plenty of things, because I have no desire to become a martyr with a tool belt.
BUT.
There is something wildly empowering about looking at something you once believed was off-limits and deciding, “Actually, I can do this.”
It’s supremely healing to prove yourself wrong in the best possible way.
I’m not saying every woman MUST know how to fix a well or pull quills or change a light fixture. But I do think every woman needs to know she can learn.
If you have someone in your life who handles these things, that’s wonderful. But learn beside them anyway. Pay attention. Ask questions. Try.
Not because you need to be fiercely independent every second of your life, or because accepting help makes you less capable. But because understanding how the pieces of your own life work is powerful.
I lived in my own little world for a long time, and there were things I simply didn’t pay attention to. I don’t say that with shame or blame toward anyone. It’s not right or wrong. It just was.
But I’m making sure my daughters know these things sooner than I did. Not because they’ll need to do everything alone, but because I want them to know they can.
So tell me: What’s on your own “Figureoutable” List?
-Jill
This right here could have been written by me three years ago. My daughter and I have had to,figure out so many of these projects by ourselves. Trust me! Utube is your best friend, if it doesn’t give you the exact information you need, it will at least help you get started.
We have learned to start the lawn tractor, change batteries in vehicles, get the irrigation pump and system up and running, snake house drains, install curtain rods, plastic covering on the greenhouse, pump up low tires on said lawn tractors and so many more projects. I have literally sat and cried when we finally got a problem solved! It’s hard but we keep on trying. My biggest takeaway is that I am not the same person I was three years ago. I have grown in so many ways and must admit some of it was kicking and screaming all the way!
Yes! That’s a great list of skills you’ve already learned! I’m rooting for you as you continue to grow. 🙂
We are women! Hear us Roar! We can do what needs to be done!
Love it! So true, there is very little that cannot be figured out with the help of a knowledgeable teacher/Google/YouTube, a bit of equipment (sometimes) and the willingness to learn, try stuff, evaluate where it didn’t go as planned and try it again. Enjoy learning new things!
I love everything about this. Thanks for the reminder and inspiration.
My husband travels for work, weeks at a time. Stuff still has to get done on the farm! My list continues to be very long, but it’s gotten shorter over the years. My most recent “win” was learning how to change the air filter in my van. The “local” oil change shop doesn’t always carry the one needed for my 12-passenger van, and my husband was out of town when I needed it done. So, University of YouTube it was ? You’ve learned so many new things, and will continue to feel more capable with each new “challenge accepted” you conquer! You’re right–it’s not about being ultra-independent, or passing that message on to your daughters. It’s showing them that there’s no end to learning or building skills, and to keep after it, never letting “I don’t know how” be a barrier.
Again such a great perspective Jill! For me, I love learning figuraoutable skills! An item on my list: Growing cranberries…. (lol) Its not something people generally grow here in Toledo, Oh, but they can grow here and I’m doing it. Its been a slow start, last year I think I harvested maybe 10 berries, not including the ones the birds got before I “figured” out netting was beneficial when securing a bountiful 10 berry yield… but they survived the winter and seem to be holding on… Why? For one I like cranberries, (a lot) and two, I love the challenge of doing things others are not. So, well see. 🙂 Construction and the like is what I do, so if you ever have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Learn carpentry
Learn to make pottery
Learn all the things about chickens
Soooo many things! I look at so many things for sale and think, “I could do that, & way cheaper.”
My grandpa was big on each of us being self sufficient & didn’t differentiate girls or boys, we all needed skills. So I have some basic knowledge on a lot, and some things I just don’t want to do lol.
I’ve always been the administrative one in my home, whether single or married (second marriage now) so I have a handle on all that type of stuff.
You are right, you CAN do it. You’ve proven to be very driven & accomplished. Giving big encouragement and kudos to you.
You got this!
This is the season I’m in right now, different circumstances but still in the figure it out stage. Mine figure out able list is irrigating the farm this summer and figuring out how to turn my 3 year business plan into a 1 year business plan. Normally my husband does the irrigation but, he has brain surgery in a month with the recovery timeline and outcome unknown. He also normally works and is the sole income but you can’t drive 140,000 lbs at 70 mph down the freeway when you have a brain tumor causing seizures. So the only way forward is to figure it out and put my head down and get to work. My mom always told me everything is figure out able, sometimes the figuring is just hard.
Jill –
I love your Figureoutable List! Often times over the last 30+ years I have come across many items that would have been on this FL. Even today I have one that is stumping me and I am watching YT to figure it out, installing a new rainbird sprinkler head in my lawn. Simple, but overwhelming on some days. Keep up the FL and thank you for sharing.
I have been greatly helped by READER’S DIGEST COMPLETE GUIDE TO_____________. Fill in the blank. The home repair book saved my life as I was remodeling an old home, plumbing, electrical, etc. in very easy terms. There is also one for fixing appliances.
Excited for you, Beth
Oh, that’s great! Thanks for the suggestion!
You CAN do anything and everything you set your mind to. It may not work the first time we try, but we learn from our mess ups. I did. I learned to change my oil in my car, and change the spark plugs. I was shown how to do the oil change, and had watched spark plugs being changed. Both weren’t easy, but I did them. If you need to learn to do something, Google it or check YouTube. I learned to knit from YouTube and book. Oh, I’m 74 and am still learning every day. That’s what keeps me going!
When I stepped out of a bad marriage and went forward on my own I discovered so many things. One, like yourself, is that the credit score didn’t come with me. I started new and fresh and wow was that a shock. Trying to get utilities set up under my name, refinancing a house, insurance, … and then learning how to fix things like a balist on a florescent light (thank you YouTube), replacing the flapper in a toilet, switching out an electric stove/oven for a gas one (hired someone for that but still had to make decions), converting an old derelict detatched garage into a very useful room, turning a backyard space into an outdoor living space/porch where I can sit and enjoy the stars, rain, snow, wildlife. So many things! You are a strong, independent person and somethings you will figure out for yourself and something you will be happy to hire out for others to help you with. You got this girl!
Late DH always had me work along side him. Doesn’t mean I can necessarily do it by myself, but I know the basics, enough to figure it out; or at least not get taken advantage of if I need to hire someone to do it. At my age, some things are just too much for me–I wont be hanging any drywall, lol. But I CAN finish it! You’ve got this, Jill!
I am cleaning the tractor’s carburetor by myself for the first time this week! I thin that I have everything that I need, I watched the video and all… still terrified lol, but I’ll get it done.
I can do all the building in the world but mechanics… that’s a new territory.
I think about this often. I almost lost my husband of 55 years twice in 2024, and I know one of us will eventually be first to go. If he goes first, I wonder how I’ll get along without him? Will my breaking heart be able to also deal with trying to figure out how to take care of all the things he’s done for decades? But I know the Lord will help me if and when that time comes. Thank you for the comfort of knowing that I can learn to do what I’ll need to do, and be able to find the help that I need.
Driving is one the things on my list. Ok, I’ve been driving since I was old enough to drive. I’ve driven all over the country. I know how to put the pedal to the metal. I know how to get from here to there. BUT I don’t know how to drive “optimally”. We recently purchased a “new to us” truck and something I’ve gotten away with my entire life has now appeared as a necessity. Fortunately, my husband was a certified driving instructor in his career. The biggest issue for me right now actually is not just the driving, but backing up. I have somehow (by design) managed to avoid backing and it’s simply no longer an option. I am an intelligent, capable woman, but something about backing and my brain just are not compatible. We painted a yellow strip right up the driveway (uphill and curved) –> NO SHAME lol. I know it will wear off. For now, it’s been a huge help.
The wonderful or horrible thing about owning your own house and property is that you get to build and repair things. Until I owned a house, I had basic carpentry skills and pretty much no plumbing skills. In the first twenty or so years of owning my first house (I was older than you are now), I wired a new second floor of our house, did much of the plumbing, did some sheet rocking, and added insulation in the attic. All of this while I was working 60 or so hours/week, my wife, who had never done this before either, acting as chief contractor to a host of subcontractors, all while homeschooling our three children. At this time, I also put up my first building, a garage with a little help from my friends. After retiring to our 70-acre farm, I put a winter greenhouse and later a large barn, mostly without the assistance of anyone.
I’m telling you this because I know you can do the same. You read books, you consult the internet, you ask friends, some may actually know something. You’re lucky that you live in the area you live in. There are likely lots of people who grew up doing things like this, unlike me who grew in suburbia. There are likely people who are “professionals” who are willing to work with you. That way you’ll learn too.
Great post! I feel the strength and power in your voice growing.
I was blessed to have a dad, and now a husband, who wanted me to learn all kinds of things that females don’t normally do, and which a lot of men don’t know how to do. My dad had me take auto shop in 8th grade so I would know about cars, how to do the simple regular maintenance, and when they needed to be fixed by a professional (my dad of course). And it went from there.
Do have fun … looking forward to your next post.
You go girl! You are capable! But also humble enough to ask for help. When you
Live in a community, every can help each other. So happy you are rediscovering yourself. The list is manageable and will empower you to go for more. Happy days!
As a fixer, doer, DIYer in my small family I’m teaching my 73 year old mother-in-law all the things she can do herself and she’s teaching me how to paint landscapes, crochet, and can. It’s been so much fun for both of us. I love watching her smile get bigger.
I was in a similar situation 5 years ago, only it took me a lot longer to realize that I could do so many things on my own. I did what had to be done daily, but other things just kept waiting in my to do list. Little by little I started doing those things, watched a lot of youtube to learn how to do things. Also realized that even though I am not as strong as a man, I can get things done, maybe it takes more time, maybe it means having to make many trips to carry 1 sack of cement, but I can get it done, and it may not be the prettiest end result, but if it works, I am happy with how it turns out. Right now figuring out how to stop a leaking toilet, wish me luck. And would also like to say remember to be proud of how you are handling all of it.
You got this! I’m rooting for you. 🙂