When a lifelong people-pleaser starts telling herself the truth.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to be easy….
Dependable. Predictable. Agreeable. My biggest aim was to never make waves or cause others to be uncomfortable…
But lately, I’ve become less willing to be easy. I’m not trying to be contrary for the sake of being contrary, but I’m finally telling myself the truth about what I can carry and what I can’t.
Now when I say truth, I’m not talking about scandals or shocking reveals. I’m referring to the quiet kind of honesty… the kind where you stop pretending something fits when it doesn’t. The kind where you realize you’ve been calling self-abandonment “peace.”
That’s the truth that will really rock your world.
You see, we like to believe truth will always make things easier and smoother, just like the platitudes promise:
“The truth will set you free.”
“Honesty is the best policy.”
Those statements are true and good. But what they fail to mention is that sometimes, before the truth sets you free, it burns the whole thing down.
As Lyz Lenz writes in her book, “Telling the truth is often a demolition project.”
The truth will show you which parts of your life were truly alive, and which parts were held together with duct tape and denial. And once you see the duct tape, it’s got to come off. But pulling it away tends to take skin and hair with it and that sort of thing makes people incredibly uncomfortable. And there is nothing I hate more than making people uncomfortable.
I’ve been a good-girl people-pleaser since birth. My specialty has been never making waves…. I was always the rule follower, the role model, and the good example. As a child, I was literally the girl people would pair up with the “trouble kids,” hoping I’d rub off on them.
I also hate conflict. I can sense a shift in someone’s tone from a mile away and immediately start adjusting myself to keep things from escalating. I’m very good at smoothing things over and keeping the peace, (usually at the expense of myself, but that’s a story for another day)….
And more than anything…. I really, really hate disappointing people.
Therefore, telling the truth in a way that cannot be smoothed over or polished up makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I’ve learned that becoming more honest with yourself sounds lovely from the outside, but it actually makes things much messier first.
It confuses people who liked the older version of you. It unsettles the folks who preferred you predictable. And while there may be freedom on the other side, the crossing-over can feel a lot like death.
Maybe because it is a death of sorts: the death of old identities, old patterns, and the versions of yourself that once helped you survive, but can no longer carry you where you’re going. After all, most kinds of growth require something old to die first. That is the cycle of life.
Lately I’ve had to sit with the reality that becoming more honest with myself has disappointed people, simply because I stopped shaping myself into the version other people found easiest to understand. And sometimes when you do that, people don’t know what to do with you anymore.
I wish I could say it doesn’t sting, but that wouldn’t be true. It hurts. Especially since for so long, I measured my goodness by how little trouble I caused.
But the question I keep coming back to is this:
Am I going to disappoint others or disappoint myself?
Because at some point, we must stop abandoning ourselves for the approval of everyone else.
And there is a cost to becoming… To changing in front of people who prefer us unchanged.
But I know there is also a cost to staying the same long after the old version of you no longer fits.
Because the longer we pretend, the more expensive the pretending becomes.
And maybe that is where true becoming begins: when disappointing others becomes less terrifying than losing yourself. <3
This really speaks to me. I’ve been post menopausal now for about ten years and I’m finding that as I get older I care less about pleasing other people.
So well-written, Jill! So clearly expressed …. And so, so true. And so difficult. In my younger years as a wife and mother taking such a view-basically that of being true to yourself … of taking care of yourself first – was viewed as selfish! Women especially were to be selfless. For me it took becoming a mother to wake me up to the simple fact that to be a good mother I had to take care of me first -in all aspects of my life and as a person. And that brought me to my truth. Bravo, Jill! This journey, although difficult, results in a better place. My best.
Oh, Jill! I can very much relate. I, too, have been the people-pleasing, rule-keeping, peace-at-any-price gal. After my divorce, I went through the process of “ripping the duct tape” off and it was so painful, but glorious.
Because I finally learned:
Nothing grows in the comfort zone.
So fun to meet you at the Soda Fountain on our way to Boise. I think so many of us can relate to these feelings. Kudos to you for facing it head on. Many of us don’t realize what we sacrifice when we just try to get along. A lot to think about in this…. Thank you for processing with us.
Oh, Jill! You are growing within your hurts and that is what God expects. Your wisdom is beyond your age. Prayers you will continue to rely on the faith you have always had and God will always be with you! May your children grow to be as strong and wise as you! Blessings ?Karen
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I really appreciate it.