Wide open spaces…
Room to breathe… Few neighbors… No barking dogs… Room for the kids to run… Breathtaking views…
They are all reasons I love to spout as being my favorite parts of living in the middle of nowhere.
And they are all true. In fact, I’d venture to say most of you reading this blog agree with the above as being some of your favorite parts of living rurally, too. And for those of you who have yet to make the move, these are the things you dream about.
But in talking with some rural mom friends lately, I’ve realized there’s another side to country living we don’t talk about often enough…
What happens when you finally have your chickens, and garden plot, and that pantry full of mason jars… And you look yourself in the mirror one today and realize you’re FLAT-OUT LONELY.
Sometimes living in the country can be flat-out isolating, y’all. Especially when you’re a mom with little ones. I know this all too well…
Because for all of the benefits and perks of living out-of-town, there are downfalls, too. No matter how you slice it, going to town is always an event– there’s no such thing as a “quick trip”… There aren’t play-groups, kids activities, or mom’s groups on every corner when you live in the middle of nowhere… And it’s not exactly easy to meet a friend for lunch last-minute.
You find yourself spending a lot of time by yourself, the walls feel like they’re closing in a bit, and you maybe even start wondering if this whole homesteading-thing was a little bit of a mistake… Anyone relate?
Why Some People Struggle… And Some Don’t.
I know some of you are reading this and thinking, “NOPE! The isolation is my favorite part!”
Last week I brought up the topic of rural loneliness to my Facebook and Instagram followers, and the resulting conversations were pretty darn fascinating.
Some folks immediately admitted their own struggles with homesteading and loneliness, while others said they couldn’t imagine ever feeling lonely with so much to do.
The difference lies in personalities. Some people are introverts (energized by being alone) and some are extroverts (energized by being with people). Some people are project-motivated and perfectly happy spending hours alone working on the “next big thing,” while others are people-motivated and require human connection to feel healthy and valued.
There’s room for all kinds in this homesteading gig, but I do think it’s crucial to understand what makes you tick– it’ll go a long way in helping you know what you need to add or omit from your homesteading plan to make sure you don’t feel like you’re losing your mind a few years in.
Personally, I’m a project-driven introvert, which is quite the hermit-combination, as you can probably imagine. That also means I can go a long, long time without human contact and feel extremely content (that is, as long as I have a good project in front of me).
Therefore, it might surprise you to know I still had my own battle with homestead loneliness about six years ago…
How I Battled Homestead Loneliness… And Won.
I’m a high-energy, Type-A person, so when I quit my full-time job in 2010 to stay home with newborn Prairie Girl, I about lost my mind. (Just keeping it real, my friends…)
I LOVED being a mom, and I was totally committed to staying home with our kids, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I only had one tiny baby who slept a lot, and there’s only so many times you can “deep-clean” a 900 square foot house. I was BORED, y’all.
The homestead projects we had going did help. I kept myself occupied in the summer with the garden and yard, but winters were excruciating, and I DREADED them. I gained an intimate understanding of the term “cabin fever” and the days seemed to drag on and on and on.
So there I was with a 6 month-old baby, in a tiny house, 40 miles from town, with a limited gas budget. I was bored out of my ever-loving mind and pretty miserable.
Do I still feel that way. Nope. In fact, I couldn’t feel further from that, at this point in my life. I pretty much did a 180 degree flip from where I used to be. I crave being home now, and there’s no other place I’d rather be.
So what changed?
I found my passion. Plain and simple. And homesteading, AND the loneliness that came with it at first, was the catalyst which allowed me to do so.
Living rurally, with its slower days and fewer options, is a gift. A slower life gives you the space and freedom for creation. It offers the mental clarity to start deciphering your passions and your greater purpose.
If I had never removed myself from the hustle and bustle of my old life and its distractions, I likely never would have had the mental space to find my bigger passion (which is teaching others how to return to their roots, break through blocks, and expand their skillsets, in case you were curious). That particular passion then morphed into helping people take charge of their health with essential oils as well. Interestingly enough, thanks to my businesses, I now have the privilege to connect with thousands and thousands of people on a regular basis. In fact, I find myself needing regular “people breaks” these days so I can be sure to stay refreshed and recharged. Hmmmm… funny how that works.
The formula that started it all was:
A Bored Jill + An Excess of Time + Internet Connection = Discovering a Life’s Passion
Crazy, huh?
Now don’t misunderstand– I’m not necessarily saying starting your own business or writing a blog will be YOUR thing, (although it could be), but I encourage you to dig deep and figure out what makes you tick. What keeps you awake at night? What makes you excited more than anything else? It might take you a while to identify it, but I’m willing to venture figuring it out will change your life in amazing ways.
You just never know what might happen…
Other Strategies for Battling Homestead Loneliness
While using the quietness of a rural homesteading life to find your passion was definitely my remedy to loneliness, if you’re a more people-oriented person or an extrovert, you’ll still want to be intentional with finding times to connect with other humans. Here are a few other anti-loneliness ideas for ya:
Ride Out the Transition Period
The common thread I saw running through all the responses I read from formerly-lonely homesteaders last week was that the initial transition period to country-living is the hardest. The adjustment was tough at the beginning, but as people found their passions and immersed themselves in their new lifestyle, they found contentment. So if you just barely started your homesteading journey, take heart– it gets easier.
Make the Effort
It might take more effort to stay connected, but it’s still possible. If you’re used to having everything just steps from your front door, rural-living will be an adjustment. But as long as you’re willing to put forth the effort, there are still plenty of ways to stay connected in neighboring towns. Church, clubs, sports, and other activities don’t have to stop. If you’re short on funds or driving is difficult, designate one day per week as “town day” and schedule all appointments, meetings, lessons, and errands on that one day. I know many rural folks who are still very connected in their neighboring towns, they just spend a little more time on the road.
Build Long-Distance Connections
It may sound silly, but having an Internet connection was my saving grace during the early years. Facebook and email helped me stay connected with many far-away friends, and I heavily depended on it. And NO– I don’t think internet relationships are a substitute for the real thing, and face-to-face time is still important. HOWEVER. I found my online connections to be invaluable, and many of them have morphed into real-life relationships as the years have passed.
Think Outside of the Box
Even the most rural areas still have a smattering of neighbors. (I define a neighbor as anyone in a 30 mile radius of us…) Our closest town has a population of 200, no stop lights, and no gas station (it burned down…), but you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve connected with there. If there aren’t activities or programs, maybe you’ll be the one to create them. Invite people over for supper, invite people over to help with projects (projects always help break the ice– especially cool ones like processing chickens), start your own groups or clubs, etc. The possibilities really are endless.
I’m an introvert, too, so I can be alone for quite awhile before I really get lonely. Homesteading is an adjustment, but you have some great suggestions. I don’t know what I’d do without my internet connection, for sure, but we’re still fairly active in our church. We’re going through the transition of becoming empty nesters, so that adds to it, too.
Hi Jill,
I am about as extroverted as you can get, but I LOVE being alone with my husband on our farm. I never once have had even an inkling of loneliness. But, like you, I am a type A self-starter. So, with nothing outside of my home chores for the day is what makes me most excited! Maybe I will make goatsoap today, tackle that closet I’ve ignored for 10 years, try an applique of chicken hand towels, read a book, crochet a dishrag, write a thank you note, learn to spin my alpaca fleece…the list is endless! But most importantly, the time is all mine to choose. Days go by too fast as it is! So, I could call a friend back (the list is long) or, just go out and watch the chickens. ?
Homesteading and empty nester transitioning what a hard time in life. Trying to do things the unconventional way. Balance my interest with what needs to be done. whew. overwhelmed in VA.
I am right there with ya! Only I’m in Tn.
I’d love to hear how your transition to empty nest homesteading has gone. I’ve been homesteading a long time but never felt lonely until the empty nest. Our church is an hour away, so I see friends only on Sundays. I’m dealing with extreme loneliness.
I moved to a farm a few years ago but it is still close to big towns. I would love to move farther out but internet options are limited. How did you do it without paying huge amounts for limited service? When we moved here there was only satellite and it was terrible. Now we have 1 reasonable option and I’m afraid of what we would be stuck with.
What a great post! I completely agree with the internet connection being a saving grace! My loneliness is mostly seasonal…with the last few months of winter being the worst! I’m always busy, and connected, but get cabin fever when I can’t be outside and really “enjoy” it because of the weather.
Since I quit my job last year to stay home I’ve been ripping down walls like crazy. As soon as I’m out of walls to rip down and holes to dig I’ma go nuts!
Hopefully more projects will come up!
I feel ya!
I was lucky…
My jump to country life happened in one of the best ways.. I know it rarely works this way.
One of my best friends and her family wanted to move to the country also. We bought the 47 acre farm together. We have space -we have views- we are living the dream and I have my best friend next-door!
Our kids run and play and explore together. It is such a blessing.
X O,
Candi
What a blessing!
Nice post! Home time has always been one of my favorite parts of homesteading. However, as another interesting aspect of whole introvert/extrovert thing… I have found that being an introvert doesn’t stop me from craving and enjoying “people time”! It wears me out, but I still (sometimes) want social time.
I am an introvert so it takes time for me to get lonely. And while we aren’t terribly far from town, I have found it hard to make local connections since we moved 5 years ago. Blogging and online community really helps me feel not so isolated!
Our nearest small town is more than 20 miles away and the larger city (Tallahassee) is a good 45 minute drive. The small town rolls the sidewalks up at night. My wife and I moved from Fort Lauderdale to the woods two years ago and we absolutely love it. We hate being away from the house and the property. Fortunately winters are not too bad and projects are year-round. Plus we run a business from the house that requires periodic international travel (I’m in Mexico City writing this) which is about all the contact I can stand. Starting a blog absolutely helped as well.
We live in a rural area that is slowly becoming more developed, but we have the issue of time in our way from going out. Between all of the animals, garden in spring/summer, and showing our horses we often times only see each other. I find it refreshing in a way because my husband is my best friend. We do all of these things together. 🙂
The one thing I have been trying to become better at is working smarter, not harder. Anything that can save us precious time is the best.
I really enjoyed this post. I’m also an introvert so it takes a lot for me to get lonely however it does happen from time to time and it is usually during the last part of our winter. We live on just a small acre and 1/2 and we have it packed with gardens so plenty to do in spring till about early November,then around end of February “cabin fever ” starts creeping around the edges, lucky for me it doesn’t last long 🙂
Shawn
Jill, I look forward to your posts. You write such interesting things!!!
I have always been an introvert, and when I was working 2 jobs, I would literally burn out from way too much people interaction. It took me several years to slow down the pace so I could de-stress. I fit in with the farming thing perfectly in this regard. I have lots of friends around. When I want to have “fun” I just go to the thrift store. I’ve made friends with the thrift store workers. That’s a small town for ya! I also have friends from church and other connections in the community. I have so many hats I wear, including heavily involved in politics. I have pen pals from far away. I have all the people connections I need, but it’s the animals and the music of nature that keeps me grounded and sane.
Not a very “homesteady” answer, but I use an app on my phone called “Glide”. It is video texting, basically, and while I am working around the farm, it is easy to glide my other farmy lady friends with questions, funny stories, or just “look what I built/cleaned/grew/cooked/butchered today.”
We are all going about our business, don’t have time to drive to each others’ houses often, but we have created a virtual community that really helps the loneliness. Plus, you have knowledgeable people at the tips of your finger, and we learn so much from each other.
Since I am a single parent, this especially helps me, when I just need to vent a minute, or talk to an adult, they are there.
Love that idea!
I am anxiously awaiting March 12 when the time “springs forward.” This is my first winter in 36 years where I have not been working full time. I retired in August 2016 from being a Flight Attendant for 17.5 years and before that I was administrative support for a giant utility company. I was always too busy to realize that I suffer depression from short winter days with little sunshine. Part of what keeps me going is my 11 month old Miniature Australian Shepherd puppy and teaching myself useful things that my Mother did like canning and preserving (oh how I wish I had paid more attention to these things when she was alive). I live 5 miles from a rural town of 3,000 and it’s 17 miles to the next biggest town of 10,000 and 30 miles to the Mall and Costco. I have been trying to do 1 big project a week to help save my sanity, plus having a very active, intelligent puppy to train keeps me going. I am so happy I found Jill and the Prairie Homestead. This blog is helping me plan for when my husband retires and we move to a more tax friendly state and get our own little plot of land to live off.
This post was almost 2 years ago. Has you husband retired? What state will you move to?
Looking at the lovely expanse of snow on your prairie made me wonder if you ever do cross country skiing. I learnt it in Norway where it is called Løpeski. Your boots are hinged at the toe onto the ski so you can run. Then you can also lock the heels to do normal skiing. You could visit your neighbours on foot. Children can do it very easily too.
Loved your post. We aren’t as far out but fairly rural. I have found the local kids have been a “social blessing” for me. My youngest is in her mid 20’s. Married and moved out several years ago to attend college.. Homesteading was not her “thing”. My older daughter has half our original flock of many bird species!
I know all the parents well out of the few homes here. We really enjoy the kids visiting and learning about homesteading. I was a 4H leader and scouts leader for many years. Its been a real blessing for me to continue helping children earn.
One boy, 15 especially has really taken an interest in natural living and livestock. I welcome the kids with parents permission. I let them interact with our cows and goats, supervised of course. He is working towards eagle in boy scouts. Encourage our children to learn to homestead! Valuable for our future generations.
i, too, am an introvert. I moved to very rural NE Oklahoma, from a small town in Northern Colorado almost two years ago. I get my “people” fix from my job, which is 38 hours in two days, and on Sat. the community that I live in(intentional agra-community) get together. Otherwise, I am here on my homestead with only my critters. Yes, it does get lonely sometimes, but I keep myself busy with work on my house, that I had built & developing the land. To go to town is, like Melissa said, a day long trip. There is a small town close by, but it doesn’t have WalMart, Costco, Home Depot or any of those other big name stores. A weekly big project is a great idea & one that I think that I’ll incorporate into my weekly schedule.
I love these posts, Jill, & thank you for them.
I am in NE Oklahoma too. Not exactly living off grid, but definitely rural. Closest grocery store and gas station is 15 miles away. No quick trips for our family. ?
The big problem for me, right now, are the kids! I have four and we homeschool and they keep me totally busy, but they are older now and they’re struggling with THEIR loneliness.THAT is becoming so hard for me to cope with…
Our two, ages 10 and nearly 12, have been rescently moved to another state and were feeling lonely even though they made new friends in the cul-de-sac. We contacted someone we knew and got some addresses and they now have some pen pals, which seems to be helpful for all of us. *smile* Thankfully, the other children write letters as well. This is not always the case, be patient with the process. *smile* I have heard of pen pal programs online with other countries, but don’t remember as mine were young when I first heard and didn’t take notes, sorry. I hope your children find joy in the life they are blessed to live. *smile* Sincerely, Mommy of two growing blessings & so much more!
I agree, finding ones joy and pure peace takes time and a quiet mind. *smile* Sometimes the idea of Amish life, the piece of farming and the hard working heart can lead to great pleasure in this day and age. *smile* Sometimes admiring the stars at night or watching the rain fall can bring that peace and sometimes enjoying the sunrise or the sunset can bring it, but seeking peace is where it starts. *smile* I too have felt lonely, and have found home arts that bring great joy to my heart that I didn’t know I would enjoy before leaving work outside the home. I am grateful for the gift of being a stay-at-home wife and home school mom of two growing blessings (now ages ten and nearly 11). Sometimes seeing others on youtube live their daily lives shows me the simplicity I choose is just as normal as the busyness that others choose. *smile* So, hometeading or not, finding who you are and what you love and using your inner strength that comes from God above to follow your heart is what brings the peace and joy. *smile* Keep growing and enjoying the life you are blessed to live. *smile* Sincerely, Mommy of two growing blessings & so much more!
I was raised in the city, went to city schools, married, raised two girls in the city, and worked in the city until I was 58 years old. Then I bought 8 acres in the woods far away from the city intending to build a house and live there some day. As fate would have it I remarried at age 67 and moved to the country on 20 acres. My husband ( still working ) bought me a miniature horse, another and another to give me something to do, raised 2 mini babies, 2 mini donkeys, a quarter horse and 4 goats,oh yes, don’t forget the chickens, I sell the eggs.
In addition to cleaning, ironing, cooking, washing, cutting grass and feeding all the animals. I have plenty of reasons to get up in the morning and ready for bed at night. I don’t have time to get lonely. Thank goodness.
I look forward to waking up alive on a beautiful day, everyday. I will be 77 in August and hope for many more years to enjoy beautiful sun rises and star filled sky.
I live rural.
A half hour drive to the town I grew up (8,000 people there…so kinda big)
We have 1 acre in the middle of nowhere surrounded by public land & a couple farms that old guys own. We have chickens, a dog & 4 kids that homeschool. We drive a half hour to church. And gas $ are budgeted. No home internet just my cell now (past 2 years).
I am extroverted.
Very.
I love the country.
But I’m hoping to move closer to town with more land. I am extremely lonely. I get it.
To say it gets easier is a lie. Its been 9 years. Nobody wants to drive to visit….its “too far”…
I love the country but if you move.. move near someone you know. Its hard to make friends. Very cliquey! Because we aren’t “from” here.lol
It is what it is. I crave Christian companions with kids…
You have to invite them! Food and games always work for me. Be the hostess with the mostess and word will get around how much fun they had at your place. Host a dress up tea party. Or a summer croquet tournament, with refreshments. Sunday dinners in the crock pot, invite someone from church. If you are an extrovert you have the skills to make it happen! We live 30 minutes from town and 45 from Church and they come… they will for you too.
I moved from a small country town of 800 in Connecticut at age 14 (I was never lonely) to city life in Sunny Florida Pinellas County – Tampa Bay area. Plenty to do and everything at your fingertips…. I am now 53, and have married the man of my dreams, we are waiting for the Appraisal to close on the most beautiful 30 acre farm in Middle TN. Our new town limits are 2 miles away with a population of 512. I can’t wait to get back to country life. Welcome Home… “Chestnut Ridge Farm” Horses, chickens, goats, a couple cows, and oh the gardens…. canning, freezing, dehydrating…I do have concerns though of loneliness. My husband still works, I have a remote engineering position with part-time hours, so I will be on the farm 24/7 taking care of everything. I figure once we get things rolling I will be too busy to notice, but There will be a transition period before we have everything in full swing. Reading everyone’s comments is very helpful. Thank you all, for sharing.
Wow, lots of introverts! I am an extrovert and I have been in the country for 28 years. I home-schooled 3 girls thru high school and we joined a monthly home-school activity. Now that they are gone I became a master gardener and a couple of days a month help other people with classes and garden problems. I do have times when I wish there was more to do… But then I just grab a book settle in. We have 10 acres and a large yard. I love sitting on my deck and watching the birds. I count flutterbies and birds, raise extra food for the farmers market… I stay busy and have enough people time. In a few months we will be moving to Montana, a larger property and a smaller house. Sometimes lonely is good for your soul, to get in touch with your inner self and God.
I live alone rurally in the Mojave Desert and do not drive. I have lived on this dirt road for 19 years, and have discovered the secret of the ages because of it. Fourteen years ago a medical event “put me out of commission,” so to speak. Few people came to visit. However, the silence and solitude of the rural life healed me. It gave me the time and peace needed to connect with something much bigger and more powerful than myself. Although an extrovert, the intense excitement of the prospects of getting better buffered any loneliness.
I enjoyed your article, probably because it hit pretty close to home for me. I am mildly introverted, but I do enjoy company once in awhile. My problem is, my wife has several health problems and rarely feels like joining me outside, so it’s all on me. That part is ok because I enjoy doing it, but I miss the commeraderie of having a like minded partner around. Most of the time I’m fine, but occasionally, I have a little pity party. It doesn’t usually last long, but is miserable when it happens. Like you, the internet is my saving grace. I have sort of a FaceBook vlog that I do, which gives me an opportunity to reach out to folks; mostly my FB friends. Most of them seem to enjoy hearing and sometimes seeing my Homestead adventures. So, I pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with the life I love.
I want to say thank you again for your insight and for sharing the good with the bad – this life isn’t for everyone, but everyone should be so lucky to give it a chance!!
Thank you 🙂
I lived in the country, in Canada where the winters last from the first of November to the the first of April, with bitter cold and mountains of snow. We both worked long hours, seven days a week, at full time jobs, travelling in dangerous weather. Then I retired and was alone, totally alone, while my husband worked long hours, seven days a week. Being without a means of leaving the property for most of my waking hours, and having no nearby neighbours, the winters eventually wore me down to a nub. I went weeks without seeing other people, except an exhausted husband who had to spend his few waking hours at home moving snow around, and making sure there was wood for the wood heating. The distance, an hour drive, from any medical facility, was also a concern, particularly in the winter. Cabin fever was severe, particularly during the raging blizzards of March.
We moved to a very small house, on a large lot, in a small town. Food supplies, medical care, building supplies and much more, are accessible in the winter. Even though my husband works long hours, there is a thermostat (I now worship thermostats), and there is little snow to move around, so that he is company during his time away from work.
Perhaps if we had both been present at home more often, country life would have seemed more viable.
Our craving for time alone with nature is now satisfied by purchasing acreage, where we can visit and camp when we feel the need to be away from the hustle and bustle.
Great article! I don’t have a homestead yet but I do dream of having one soon. I often wonder if I will be too lonely once I do move and receive the acreage I’m longing for. I told myself loneliness wouldn’t be a problem because I already feel isolated (I shouldn’t since I live in a large household). However I think my current feeling of isolation is because of my living arrangement and no one seeing eye to eye with me on how our household could be more frugal/eco friendly/self-sustaining.
You know, the British singer Seal once sang that “it’s the loneliness that’s the killer”, and I think in some cases he could be right!
I live in Nowhere, North Dakota, but in the past I lived in places like Washington, DC or Brussels, Belgium. The massive shift from large city to prairie solitude has been many things, and loneliness has certainly been a strong side effect. I appreciate how you confront this, and also how you suggest dealing with it, particularly the suggestion of maintaining long-distance relationships. My long-distance friends are invaluable, and a large part of my continued sanity!
Thanks for a great post!
We tried living rurally and honestly, it didn’t work out for us. My husband and I love people, even when they are at their worst, and we also value our privacy – which we get more in the city having left the country. Rural people can be just as judgmental, evil, and ignorant as their city counterparts. If you can’t find like-minded souls where you live, it feels like death for me and I’m not a writer by nature, in fact – I honestly hate it. Those who are my real friends know I prefer to either meet in person or at least call on the phone or video call, if money is tight or they are unable to come in person. I only resort to letter writing if that person literally has no options left and even then, they know I won’t often write to them. Farming and gardening and taking care of animals also comes with their own stresses, which for some are not necessary – though others gladly will do them. Here is the irony – the same happens in the city. Isn’t that funny? People can give up because of the stresses in the city, and yet others in the city will gladly and bravely endure them. City vs rural people are the same. The thing is can we tolerate what works for someone else? Unfortunately, you can’t trust anyone – country or city. All I have left is my husband and God. As long as I have them, I can survive in the city or country or desert, underground, in a cave, or ocean, anywhere.
Moreover, I hope you won’t judge and deride those who try all your suggestions to live rurally for decades and who come to the realization that they need to move on and find a new environment which works better for them. You may not agree, many rural people won’t, but who knows – maybe you will be one of the rare understanding ones who does and who still wishes to work with their ex-country now city living friends? Perhaps not. Only you can do that.
I am so glad I came across this blog. I was raised city all my life. I am now a young senior wondering how to enter rural living and how it is going to work out. I have never raised livestock but wanted to since I was a little girl. I am in between an extrovert and introvert. So many questions.
Right now I am looking for a small acreage, less than 15 minutes from a small town. The closest city is 35 minutes away.
I think I am going to be fine!